Claresholm (AP)
Dwight Smith of Clareresholm, AB announced today that the number of spam emails he is receiving daily promoting the Paris Hilton pornographic video "in essence amounts to a denial of service attack on my computer."

"I swear to God," Said Smith. "I clean out my inbox, and ten minutes later there are several hundred more, and I have to clean them out again or I run out of room on my hard drive."

Smith, who admits to having watched the video "once or twice" is at a loss to explain how so many adult service providers have aquired his email address. "I gave my email out to a questionable site once maybe six years ago, and ever since then the spam has been getting worse. But this is ridiculous."

Smith would like to report the unwanted emails to the authorities, but has no idea who polices this sort of thing. "I mentioned it to my local RCMP detachment, and the Sargeant there just asked me to send him the link! What do I have to do?"

Smith is publicly requesting all adult service providers to stop sending him offers. "Once was enough."

Minneapolis (AP)
Hot on the heels of President Bush's surprise visit to Baghdad, Vice President Dick Cheney paid a surprise two hour visit to the Mall of the Americas today to serve thanksgiving dinner to mall security guards.

"We are gratefull to your sacrifice, on this, the busiest shopping day of the year." said Cheney during a televised address. "We know that with the crowds, and bargain hungry shoppers, there could be terrorists and suicide bombers anywhere, and we are gratefull to you and your families for putting your lives on the line for your fellow Americans."

Some critics denounced the move as "less than heroic" especially after President Bush's secret airlift into an active war zone on Thursday. "Keep things in perspective," said Nemo Hornbach, a noted White House observer. "This is the same Vice President who holed up in a bunker for nearly a year after 9/11. I think going to the mall for him was a pretty bold move."

Along with his address, and serving dinner to the security guards, Cheney also apparently stopped in at Baby Gap to pick up stocking stuffers for his neice.

Washington (AP)
President George W. Bush signed a $400 billion defence spending bill into law today, bringing the United States Federal Government's total defecit to an estimated "6.2 Kajillion dollars" according to the National Association of Business Economists.

"The number is really irrelevant," said Lance Harbottle, spokesperson for the NABE. "There is no way the human mind can fathom the amount of money our government owes it's creditors, so we just settled on 6.2 Kajillion. We originally planned to announce that the defecit was 75 Kajillion Zillion dollars, but figured that was over the top."

The United States' defecit has spiraled in recent years due to the White House's insistance on tax cuts and massive military build up, despite almost flat economic growth, and a jobless recovery.

"To put this in perspective," continued Harbottle. "If the government defaults on the loans, California becomes a Credit Suisse protectorate. This spending bill alone is greater than the GDP for Australia. It boggles the mind."

Sources say the signing of the bill was delayed for over two hours due to the President's inability to "find his lucky pen."

Santa Barbara (AP)
Troubles continued for Michael Jackson today after Assault charges were added to his Child Molestation charges after a scuffle with reporters outside of a Santa Barbara courtroom.

Jackson, when confronted by a reporter about his extensive plastic surgery, is alleged to have struck the reporter with one of his antennae, and grabbed the microphone with a free tentacle. Jackson has repeatedly denied plastic surgery of any sort, despite the alarming disappearance of his nose in recent years. Extensive searches of the woods and ravines around his Neverland Ranch for the nose were called off four years ago, after the plastic surgery allegations surfaced.

Jackson was released on $3 million bail, pending the trial on charges of molesting an underage visitor to his Neverland ranch several months ago. Critics of Jackson were calling for a harsh jail term to demonstrate that, in the words of one commentator "the rich aren't above the law." Supporters of Jackson have responded that he would "last less than a minute" in a federal prison, and are instead calling for any sentances to include public service, and the return of his best friend Bubbles the chimp, to the wild.

Jackson's trial continues.

London (AP)
President George W. Bush expressed sincere regret today over the "death and injury by Al Queda terrorists to over 450 Turkeys."

"This atrocity strikes at the heart of all Americans hold dear," he said today in a speech during his state visit to the United Kingdom. "Coming as it does so close to Thanksgiving, and threatening the availability of our celebratory bird of the feast, we must come together as Americans and demand an end to violence against Turkeys, and against all freedom loving people and birds."

Witnesses were shocked at the gaffe, with the President apparently confusing residents of Turkey, or Turks, with the Turkeys that are eaten every year in Thanksgiving celebrations. However, Jack Straw the UK Foreign Secretary said of the incident, "There was this awkward silence in the room when we realized what he had done, and it dawned on all of us that this man is truly stupid. But hell, he's the leader of the free world, so who was going to say anything? I guess that's kind of how we ended up in Iraq."

Bush's speech also promised immediate aid to Turkey farmers who may have been affected by the blast. Bush's state visit continues.

Toronto (CP)
Fresh on the heels of his announcement yesterday that "I made 50 million dollars today," an unrepentant Conrad Black announced moves to purchase controlling interest in the Vatican.

A spokesperson for Black released information today that Black has been quietly buying Cardinal positions, in much the same way he acquired his British House of Lords peerage, for over a year now. "We beleive that with one or two more $50 Million days, Mr. Black should have controlling interest, and will be in a position to singlehandedly elect the new Pope, once what's-his-name dies," said the spokesperson.

Monseigneur Black, as he is now to be known, rose to prominence through the acquisition of a series of Newspapers, including London's Daily Telegraph. The Telegraph story this morning confirmed that Black would not be seeking himself to become Pope, but would be looking to install a trusted ally who shares his ultra right wing political views.

Opponents of Black's election to Cardinal were quick to denounce the move. Asked one "If money can buy anything, is nothing sacred?" Black however made no apologies, instead floating the suggestion that Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan may be up for canonization "in the next five to ten years."

Negotiations between Monseigneur Black and the Vatican continue.

London (AP)
Security advisors preparing for George W. Bush's visit to London later this week, today demanded that Buckingham Palace be "Encased in 400 tons of reinforced concrete" in preparation for the visit.

Controversy has swirled around this, the most extreme measure in a series of escalating security requests by Bush's Security team. It began with an attempt to crack down on protests, and the addition of almost 10,000 on duty police officers during the stay. Bush plans to spend several nights at Buckingham Palace, and security advisors were concerned about a possible terrorist attack.

"It's perfectly reasonable," said Dirk Mashing, the Security coordinator for the visit. "While I recognize that the Palace may have some sentimental value for some of the British people, security concerns must come first. Besides, the concrete can very easily be chipped away afterwards."

Critics of the move have suggested that if President Bush wants to be totally safe, maybe he himself should be encased in 400 tons of concrete. White House officials were said to be considering the request.

Protests are planned for today outside of Buckingham Palace.

Toronto (CP)
Due to the sudden unexpected absence of Paul Anka at the Liberal Convention's tribute to Jean Chretien, the outgoing Prime Minister was instead encouraged to "Give it away, give it away now" by popular Alternative Rock band the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Anka had been scheduled to perform an adapted version of his classic hit "My Way," but was sidelined at the last minute due to a throat illness. The unexpected presence of the Chili Peppers at the convention came about as a result of last minute organizing by the youth wing.

"Prime Minister Chretien is a huge fan of youth culture," said a liberal insider who asked to remain anonymous, "We thought the tribute was fitting." However, the real appreciation for the group seemed to come from Chretien's wife and lifelong partner Aline Chretien, who responded to lead singer Anthony Keidis' exhortation to "Give it away now" by throwing an unspecified undergarment onto the stage.

"It got a little crazy" said the insider, "Especially when the underwear went flying, but the mosh pit was generally good natured, although there were several incidents involving neckties. People really need to dress appropriately if they're going to be dancing to this kind of music."

The Liberal National convention continues tonight, with the coronation of Paul Martin as leader.

Washington From Washington Bureau Chief Darren Thorne
Confirming months of avid speculation, the Bush Administration today revealed that billionaire WWE Wrestling mogul Vince McMahon had been added as a special advisor to President Bush. “Mr. McMahon brings unquestioned credentials and a welcome new perspective to the White House” Press Secretary Scott McClelland stated in Mr. McMahon’s introductory press conference. He went on to add “and as a Billionaire, he’ll fit right in with all of the President’s top advisors”.

While the President’s trade mission to France forced him to miss Mr. McMahon’s press conference, the influence of the newest Presidential advisor was arguably already evident at a photo-op featuring the President and his French counterpart, Jacques Chirac, early this afternoon. After the two men clasped hands and pledged to build closer trading ties, President Bush shocked the International press gallery by knocking Mr. Chirac unconscious with a steel folding chair and then leaping over the podium before escaping into the crowd of startled journalists.

Reaction to the addition of Mr. McMahon, who in his introductory press conference immediately unveiled the new United States Security Strategy, “America 2004: Layin’ the Smack Down”, has been mixed. FoxNews hailed the announcement, declaring the move to be “long overdue”, while the Washington Post described it as “probably inevitable”. Rumor has it, however, that the decision to add Mr. McMahon was not universally embraced within the White House, and came over the strong objections of Secretary of State, Colin “the Junkyard Dog” Powell among others.

In point of fact, the most stringent opposition to Mr. McMahon’s addition has clearly originated from within his promotion, the WWE, where sources have reported a genuine anger at the move. Said one anonymous wrestler, “This is ridiculous. Our sport has had enough problems with legitimacy. How are we going to be taken seriously if we affiliate ourselves with the likes of the Bush Administration?”

Ottawa (CP)
Hot on the heels of the announcement that Ontario MPP Marylin Churley would be changing her name legally to Marylin Churley NDP, to circumvent regulations regarding official party status, Paul Martin announced that he would be changing his name to "His Royal Highness, Paul Martin, God Emperor of Canada."

While critics expressed shock at the announcement, Martin supporters explained that the change "Only reflects reality as it will exist after the next federal election."

Churley announced the name change earlier this week, to avoid Ontario Provincial Parliament rules that would restrict the NDP from using their party name on letterhead, websites, or during question period, due to their inability to obtain enough seats to qualify as an official party in the last election.

A Spokesperson for the Martin camp, however, said that Martin would be changing his name to "better reflect the dynamic Canadian leadership landscape. And the odds that anyone was going to beat him in a federal election next spring."

It was further announced that Sheila Copps was changing her name to "Hey, I'm over here! Look at me!" in preparation for her role after the leadership convention.

Bentonville (AR)
Arkansas based retailer Wal Mart announced today that it would be dealing with a chronic pre holiday overstaffing situation by "selling underemployed Associates."

"Rather than cut hours, or reduce already minimal benefits, we felt the only humane solution was to sell the associates to homes and families that could use a little help around the house this holiday," said Wal Mart spokesperson Belinda Friar. "At least this way our former Associates will have more purpose and direction in their lives than if we just laid them off," Friar continued. "Besides, there isn't much else any of them are qualified to do. Indentured servitude is really the best option."

Critics denounced the decision as "modern day slavery" and the American Civil Liberties Union was apparently already preparing it's first test case to battle the legality of the move. Critics are concerned however that with the massive erosion of civil rights in the United States since 9/11, that "Selling minimum wage store clerks into slavery just may be legal," according to one ACLU spokesperson.

Shareholders responded positively however, with Wal Mart shares closing up $1.50 during heavy trading volume.

Toronto (CP)
The CBC reported yesterday that Drunk Driving charges are trending downwards significantly, but were at a loss to explain how the word "trend" had become a verb.

"I think that when people are audiencing us," said Eli Warshafski, while Spokespersoning for the CBC, "they tend to problemize things that don't really require solutioning."

"It is part of our ongoing efforting to identify these issues, and respond with answers that Canadian the language we use, and Contemporize our image." Continued Warshafski. "And of course, this trending towards verbing nouns, also upshots towards present-tensing all of our verbs. That can only be a good thing."

While spokespersons for the National Association of Teachers Teaching English Resources (NATTER) were appalled by this trend, they described it as "A damn site better than all that gangsta talk circulating."

Negotiations continue between CBC and NATTER in the interest of "Solutioning this ongoing dispute."

Toronto (CP)
Liberal National convention organizers expressed disapointment today at the decision by Irish pop singer Bono not to attend this year's convention. Organizers had been hoping that the presence of the politically active superstar would boost sagging pre-registration to the convention.

Organizers announced instead that the keynote address would be delivered by none other than Muppets character The Swedish Chef.

"He's a shoe in," said National Convention Speaker's Bureau Director Eileen Crabtree. "He is well known for the clarity and insight of his speeches, especially in contrast to some of the policy statements coming from Paul Martin. I am sure he will be well received."

Some critics expressed reservations about the choice, but Crabtree responded "After 10 years of trying to decipher Mr. Chretien, the Swedish Chef is consistent with the message of this party. He speaks for unity, he speaks for greater cultural understanding, and he makes a wicked Lobster Bisque."

In other news, Sheila Copps announced that she would not be bowing out of the race, as widely reported today, instead opting to continue to "fight to the end." Insiders beleived that while Copps would probably not be rewarded with a cabinet position for her tenacity, she is being touted for a diplomatic position in either Manmyar or Haiti.

Vernon (BC)
Tom and Will Green, the two "Wild Boys" who were found near Vernon BC, after having been raised in the forest in isolation by their parents, will be running for the leadership of the new Conservative Party of Canada.

Party insiders announced today, that after Mike Harris bowed out of the race yesterday, the party was in desperate need of "someone with great media presence." The boys, who have been in the media nearly constantly since their discovery this summer, were touted as the "great white hope" of the fledgling united right party.

"They are both literate, and are used to surviving off of scraps of food from neighbors. Both are great qualifications for leadership of the opposition," said Don Mazinkowski, chair of the Progressive Conservative Party's unity committee.
"Besides, who cares if they don't speak French, they stand about as much chance of beating Martin in the next federal election as Harris did."

In other news, Joe Clark, former leader of the PC Party, announced that he was still in opposition to the merger, and not only would he not be running for leader of the new party, but would be moving to the woods around Jasper, to live off of pine cones and berries, in an attempt to improve his political popularity.

Tulsa, OK (AP)
The National Convention of the American Society of Physical Education Instructors announced the results of a survey today which revealed that the number one form of physical activity in America is "Shopping for inexpensive unnecessary items at discount stores."

"We were frankly shocked at the revelation," explained ASPEI National Chairperson Brock Travers. "We expected Baseball, or after dinner walks even, but having the number one physical activity in the country as buying toothbrush holders and toilet paper cozies at dollar stores, it boggles the mind."

ASPEI surveyed 10,000 people across the country in a randomly administered telephone poll. It is considered accurate to within plus or minus 1.3 percentage points, 9 times out of ten. The survey asked, among other things, what activity people participated in on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. "After we eliminated making purchases at fast food restaurants, and rumaging through the fridge on the basis of inadequate caloric expenditure, we found ourselves left with browsing for the best deal on 12 packs of tube socks and carrying heavy bags of kitschy Halloween decorations to their cars," explained Travers. "We really don't know what to say, other than with the busiest shopping season of the year coming up, we hope people can get out there and really burn that holiday weight off."

The ASPEI's annual survey will be published in the journal Physical Activity Quarterly on Friday.