Source of U.S. BSE Cow Traced.
Boise (LHJ) The home herd of the american cow that was recently confirmed to have BSE, or Mad Cow Disease, has been traced to a small ranch near Idaho's capital.

The "Just Desserts" ranch was contacted by USDA officials today, and it was confirmed that the cow contracted the disease from infected feed there.

US Government officials have been under considerable pressure to open the border to Canadian cattle imports since Canada's first Mad Cow case two years ago. Fears were that had the cow been traced to a Canadian farm, re-opening the border would have been that much more difficult.

The Just Desserts finding solves much of this problem for Canadian producers.

Just Desserts owner Derek Schadenfreude was devestated by the news. "I can't beleive that after all of the precautions we take here in the U.S., that this problem has come home to roost here now, as well," said Schadenfreude in a statement.

The investigation continues to determine if other Just Dessert cases exist as well.

In other news, Environment Canada continued to ratchet up the rhetoric regarding Eastern Canada's heatwave, issuing a rare "hot and shitty weather" warning for most of Southern Ontario.

Klein announces flood aid with a "nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"

Edmonton (LHJ) Ralph Klein, premier of Alberta announced another $100 Million in aid to people stricken by Alberta's worst flood on record. The extra funds, he explained "would cripple the budgets of most provinces, but are basically petty cash to us here in Alberta."

"Alberta," Klein explained "is truly blessed by our amazing wealth and productivity, and so we are extending some of that wealth in the form of assistance to striken Albertans." Klein continued "Right now I'm sure that waterlogged Albertans are thanking their lucky stars they don't live somewhere like Ontario, or God help them, New Brunswick, where this magnanamous an aid package would be unthinkable."

Klein continued by expressing his grattitude that he did not have to go "hat in hand to the vultures in Ottawa" to get assistance for flood relief.

When Klein's statements were questioned by a Globe and Mail reporter as being "perhaps a little ungracious", Klein responded by saying "That's just a typical Canadian attitude toward's Alberta's tremendous prosperity. Take take take."

Klein closed the press conference with a hearty "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah...right Dalton?"

The flood clean up continues.

Los Angeles (LHJ)
Nicole Kidman stunned her fans and the movie going public today when she revealed that she has officially become transparent.

Her publicist announced that it had been a long held goal of hers to remove so much pigment from her skin that people could see through her. She appeared on the red carpet for the Milan preview of her new movie Bewitched, and it looked eerily like an empty dress walking the carpet.

The development was described by her ex-husband, Tom Cruise as "kind of creepy, but not nearly as creepy as my 'golly-gee-whiz' relationship with a girl who had posters of me on her wall in Junior High School. I mean, yecccchhhh."

Her newfound tranparency recieved a rousing vote of approval from recently exonerated Micheal Jackson, who has been stedily removing pigement from his skin for several decades.

Kidman can be seen in her new movie Bewitched, which is the last time she will be seen by anyone.

Montreal (LHJ)
In an application to the Gomery inquiry yesterday, Jean Chretien's lawyers requested that Chretien be exonorated by the report and his "extraordinay reputation" be protected.

In seperate applications, lawyers also filed a request with Pope Benedict XVI that Chretien be considered for Beatification, a request with the Mayo clinic that he be granted superhuman strength through the installation of an "adamantine skeleton" and a request with Industrial Light and Magic film studios that Chretien be offered a starring role in any potential upcoming Star Wars movies or television series.

While only Gomery and Lucas are reported to be taking the requests seriously, Chretien was immediately rebuffed by the Mayo clinic as being "too frail and elderly to survive such an invasive surgery" and by the Vatican as being "a lying, cheating, sub-human slug."

If the Vatican's allegations are to be believed, Chretien's reputation is indeed "extraordinary", but perhaps not in the way his lawyers intended.

George Lucas, director of ILM studios is reportedly considering using Chretien to replace Ian McDiamid as Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious, saying that Chretien would be easy to cast as he would "not require the hours of tortuous make up Ian did, in order to fit into the role."

Negotiations with Gomery are ongoing.

Toronto (LHJ)
Onex Chairman Gerry Schwartz announced today that Onex controlled Cineplex Galaxy theatres would be aquiring rival Famous Players Theatres for an undisclosed sum.

Schwartz made the announcement to reporters today at a press conference where he appeared oddly dressed, and insisting on being referred to as "Darth Movious."

When asked by CBC reported Derek Stoppel if he thought the move would reduce competition, and drive up prices, Schwartz responded only that "I find your lack of faith disturbing." Shortly after Stoppel fell suddenly ill with a respiratory infection, and has not been seen since.

Meanwhile, Schwartz's wife Heather Reisman, the owner of the Indigo chain of bookstores, was reportedly disturbed by Schwartz's new behaviour, and has retreated to her lakefront property in the small Northern Ontario community of Naboo.

Schwartz scoffed at suggestions that Onex shareholders are weak and indecisive, and being controlled by their charismatic and charming leader. He said only that "This Movie Theatre chain will soon be the ultimate entertainment power in the galaxy."

Final negotiations for the aquisition are ongoing.

Toronto (LHJ)
CBC President Robert Rabinovitch announced today, that due to inadequate government funding, and severe weather patterns nationwide, the CBC has "run out of allotted uses of the words 'torrential' and 'stifling'."

"CBC's annual budget includes such items as programming development, staffing, and production costs," explained Rabinovitch. "Many people don't realize, though, that vocabulary expenses are a huge burden on a national broadcaster. Words are licensed by the Oxford English Dictionary on an annual basis, and we have used 'torrential' to describe the rain in Western Canada, and 'stifling' to describe the heat in Eastern Canada one too many times."

CBC faced a similar situation earlier this year after the 'in camera' testimony of Jean Breault to the Gomery commission. The testimony, which was under a media publication ban, could only be described as 'explosive', and was done so at every available opportunity. CBC subsequently hasn't used the word since, not even to describe a recent spectacular plastics factory fire in Sarnia.

Rabinovitch went on to say that while the CBC is grateful for the extra funding allocations made by the federal Liberals in this year's budget, he feels they did not free up more 'vocabulary dollars' due to the CBC's overuse of the term 'dither'.

Rabinovitch stated that the CBC is actively seeking replacement words, but is having some difficulty convincing them to cross picket lines.

Ottawa (LHJ)
An anonymous Conservative whistle blower today broke the most sensational story of this political year. "Stockwell Day still runs the Conservative party," said the insider, "and is using Ceti Eels to control the minds of Stephen Harper, and discredited Surrey BC member Gurmant Grewal."

The move shocked fellow Conservative members, who thought that the eels, first introduced in the 1984 movie Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan, were fictional.

"The eels enter through the ear, and wrap around the cerebral cortex, and make one very succeptible to suggestions. How else could you explaing Grewal's bizarre behaviour, and Harpers inexplicable support for him?" asked the source. "The only way this could happen is if they were being directed to by a lunatic like Day"

Ottawa was abuzz with the news, and PMO Staff person Tim Murphy has reportedly ordered "a breeding pair of Ceti eels."

Experts expect this development to completely change the political landscape in Ottawa. Day was unavailable for comment.

Santa Barbara (LJH)
Michael Jackson's legal woes intensified today, as the jury continued to deliberate in his child molestation case, with the announcement of a civil suit for "Inappropriate touching" and "sexual harassment" by his long time companion Bubbles the chimpanzee.

Insiders were startled by the allegations, saying Bubbles has been a faithful friend of Jackson, and has supported him unwaveringly throughout the difficult trial.

A spokesperson for Bubbles said, "It's time to break the silence, and speak up not only for Bubbles, but abused monkeys everywhere."

Reports said the monkey was verbally harassed, inappropriately touched, and "spanked almost daily."

Insiders feel this will be another bump in the road for the embattled Jackson, who could face 10 years in prison if convicted. If sentanced to federal prison, experts put Jackson's life expectancy at seven and half minutes.

Ottawa (LHJ)
Ontario Attornety General Michael Bryant moved today to restrict the freedoms of Surrey BC Member of Parliament Gurmont Grewal, under section 810 of the criminal code.

Section 810 is the controversial provision recently used to restrict the movements of Karla Homolka prior to her release next month.

Citing Grewal's "serious risk of reoffending," Bryant applied to an Ontario Court to require Grewal to report all name changes, vaction plans, and miniature tape recorder purchases to the police.

Grewal raised eyebrows last month by secretly tape recording a conversation between Ujal Dosanjh, and Tim Murphy, a cabinet minister and PMO staffer respectively, where they discussed him switching his vote from the Conservatives in exchange for a Senate or cabinet seat.

"Grewal is a menace," Bryant reportedly said. "He flaunts even basic decency by soliciting for a party change, then he alters the tapes and edits them before releasing them. It's reprehensible, and we feel he is a danger to the public."

The move startled insiders, who noted the provisions of section 810 usually apply only to dangerous offenders. Bryant said the exceptional move was neccessary "if the Conservatives are to ever stand a hope of winning another seat in Ontario."

Bryant and Grewal's lawyers are expected in court tomorrow.