Toronto (CP)
The Premier of Ontario, Ernie Eves, collapsed today during his morning walk, in an incident that officials are calling a "Strolling Blackout."

"Premier Eves was walking along thinking really hard about this whole energy blackout problem, and he just collapsed," explained Dr. James Shapiro of Toronto West General Hospital.

"If you think of the brain as kind of an electrical power grid," continued Shapiro. "It just seems that there was not enough electricity to power the grid, so the whole thing shut down, and the Premier collapsed in a heap."

While not as serious as a stroke, "Strolling Blackouts" can occaisionally result in slight brain damage. Shapiro beleives that Eves' performance as Premier will be unaffected regardless, as "Eves operates only on half a lobe at the best times."

Eves is in stable condition.

Toronto (CP)
The Premier of Ontario, Ernie Eves, made the startling announcement today that the cause of the massive power blackout that struck all of Northeastern North America last Thursday, may have orginated from the Eves Residence.

Eves, who is a bachelor, and strictly protects his privacy, lives with a roomate known only as "Bert." "Bert came to me Thursday afternoon," said Eves. "He had been working on a pigeon egg incubator all day, but when the lights went out, he came to me and said 'Ernie, I think I may have done something bad.' Now Bert can be a little neurotic, so I told him he was being ridiculous, but later the Independant Electricity Market Operator came to me and said that Bert's little wiring experiment may have been the problem."

Eves went on to describe how Bert had rushed to inform his neighbors, including the local greengrocer, Bob, and "a guy downstairs who was a real grouch about the whole thing."

Efforts continue throughout Ontario to restore power.

Ottawa (CP)
Disturbing new information was released today by the Department of Foreign affairs regarding the treatment of William Samson during his 31 months in a Saudi Arabian Prison.

Apparently, as well as being shackled, handcuffed, beaten and sleep deprived; Samson was also forced to watch the new Ben Affleck Jennifer Lopez movie Gigli no less than seven times.

"It must have been horrific," said Foreign Affairs Minister Bill Graham. "And to make it worse, during the brief moments he was allowed to sleep, they piped Celine Dion music into his cell around the clock. Oh the humanity."

Graham said that his department has protested Samson's treatment in the strongest possible terms, indicating that while the torture violated the International Convention on Human Rights, the Gigli reruns and Dion music "Displayed the lowest depths of man's inhumanity to man."

Samson has requested privacy since his release, but is apparently recuperating by watching the Discovery Channel and listening to webcasts of CKUA radio.

St. John's (CP)
The Federal Government announced today that it would be implementing an emergency action plan to assist Newfoundland's Health Care community stricken by the malfunction of the province's only MRI Machine.

The Health Minister announced today that the commander in charge of keeping Canada's aging fleet of Sea King helicopters aloft, would now be responsible for maintanance on the troubled MRI unit.

"If they can keep those choppers up in the air, then they should be able to work miracles with the MRI as well." said a spokesperson.

Ironically, the MRI unit was initially damaged when dropped upside down on the deck of the HMCS Halifax by a faulty Sea King helicopter during delivery.

The maintanance team is expected to be in place by today.

Toronto (CP)
CIBC announced today that John Hunkin would be stepping down as Chairman of the bank, and would be replaced by "A bald white guy wearing a suit."

CIBC spokesperson Linda White said, "As one of Canada's largest financial institutions, we have an obligation to our shareholders to continue to appoint bald white men who wear suits, in order to maintain our profitability, and deliver superior value for our customers, shareholders and employees, many of whom also wear suits."

According to White, the new Chairman would "Continue the longstanding practice of jacking up fees at every available opportunity, and reducing customer service staff" in order to maintain CIBC's profitability.

The new Chairman, Bill Etherington, a former suit wearer for IBM, has also suggested the implementation of a $0.01 per transaction "Board Sustenance Fee" to subsidize the donuts and Tim Horton's coffee that board members are served at every meeting.

Etherington will begin his post "As soon as my nice blue suit gets back from the cleaners."

Toronto (CP)
In a campaign swing through the heart of federal Liberal country today, Liberal leadership front runner Paul Martin took the opportunity to make his first definitive policy statement of the race.

Martin stated that the urban youth posing on the TTC Streetcars, Buses, and Subway trains "Ain't all that."

"Yo, guy, check it," said Martin. "You see them in their Exco jeans and Phat Pharm tops, cold bustin' a front, and you think: Guy, if you was ballin' n' all that, you'd be rollin' in a seven series, or a 500 SEL, not ridin' the rocket."

Martin went on to say "Guy, I checked this homie on the Queen Streetcar the other day, and I'm thinkin', no matter how many seats you be sprawlin' yo ass across, it don't change the fact that you still be sharin' yo' ride wit 50 or 60 strangers. Yo, you ain't all that."

Martin's bold 'dis' was viewed by some as a blatant attempt to appeal to a younger audience, amidst criticism that his campaign was focusing on grey haired Bay Street power brokers to the exclusion of the rank of file liberal membership.

Martin dismissed the allegation as "Stone cold whacked."

Monrovia (AP)
Hot on the heels of the tremendous ratings, and political controversy of the African version of reality TV show Big Brother, Fox today announced it's latest round in the reality based TV show battle.

Fear Factor:Liberia, will feature North American contestants engaging in day to day life in the war torn city of Monrovia, currently divided between government and rebel troops.

The first episode's competitions will include dodging mortar fire raining from the dark sky, drinking possibly cholera tainted rainwater, and stealing rice rations from elderly neighbors.

Contestants will be competing for an eventual $50,000 prize, which Fox expects to award posthumously to the winner's family.

The first episode is expected to air as soon as President Charles Taylor is brought to justice for war crimes in Sierra Leone. The public is told to expect delays.

Halifax-(CP)
Today while on a campaign stop in Halifax, Liberal leadership front runner Paul Martin insisted that the leadership convention would not be a coronation.

Resplendant in his ermine trimmed purple velvet robe and gold circlet, Mr. Martin reiterated his claim that the next Prime Minister of Canada would be "democratically chosen by Liberal party subje...I mean, Constituents."

Mr. Martin paused during his campaign swing to accept accept a bouquet of flowers from 12 year old Jessica Small, who said of the occasion "I think he looked very handsome in his new robe."

Martin would not comment on John Manley's recent withdrawal from the leadership race, other than to say that he would be "rewarded handsomely for his loyalty."

The leadership race continues.