Calgary (CP)
In yet another blow to the progressive element of the new Conservative Party of Canada, leadership hopefull Stephen Harper today soundly criticized the participants in British Columbia's "fairy workers' strike."

"I think it is reprehensible that fairy workers should take any sort of collective job action, for any reason." said Harper.
"It is wrong for Canadian business, it is wrong for the taxpayers, and it is an affront to God. I'm not sure what it is that fairy workers do, but I know that if just any special interest group were to take it into their heads to strike for no reason, the country would be in anarchy. What's next, a she-male strike?"

Harper's remarks were criticized by some as a damning indictment of the party's lack of ability to reach out to both labour groups and the gay and lesbian community. This has been heightened this week by the defection of openly gay Progressive Conservative member Paul Brison to the ruling Liberal Party.

The BC labour dispute continues.

Paris (AP)
Jacques Chirac bid a fond farewell to outgoing Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien today, referring to him repeatedly as "mon Cher Jean" and saying relations between the two countries had never been better.

Chretien responded in kind, referring to Chirac as, among other things, "Mon amie Jacques," "Mon petit choufleur," and most controversially, "Honey buns."

Chretien, who had obviously consumed several glasses of french wine at that point, seemed not to even notice the gaffe, as he described Canada and France's relationship in increasingly florrid terms.

"Canada and France, "he said "are like two close cousins, who on seeing each other for the first time, steal away from the adults to the privacy of the garage and explore their newfound love."

Observers were shocked at the allusion, and upon demanding that he clarify, Chretien responded, "Honey buns knows just what I mean."

Chretien's state visit to France continues.

Toronto (CP)
Within minutes of the fatal collapse of the Uptown Theatre in Toronto during demolition work, Progressive Conservative Party leader Peter Mackay's political future collapsed in a heap of dust and debris.

"It was incredible," said one insider. "We were talking about the upcoming leadership race for the new Conservative Party of Canada, and who could mount an effective campaign against Harper, and there was this roar, and his whole political future just collapsed."

Stephen Harper, the Alliance Party leader is a solid favorite to assume the helm of the new party at a convention early in the new year. Mackay had also expressed his intention to run for the position.

Ironically, the only person trapped in the debris was Mackay's bitterest rival, former leadership hopeful David Orchard. Rescuers say they may never recover a trace of Orchard's political future from under Mackay's implosion.

Ottawa (CP)
With a new court case beginning to block the proposed merger between the Candian Alliance party and the Progressive Conservatives, former Conservative leadership hopefull David Orchard announced today that if the case was unsuccesful, he would be "taking [his] ball and going home."

Characterizing Alliance leader Stephen Harper as "a big meanie," Orchard made the announcement at an Ottawa area schoolyard. "We had a deal," continued Orchard. "I double dog dare Peter Mackay to live up to his bargain."

Critics were initially shocked by the bold "double dog dare," but the latest ratcheting up of rhetoric came as no surprise to Mackay. "Orchard was just upset that he got picked last for every team," explained Mackay. "If he wants to take his ball and go home, let him. We'll find another one."

Mackay further criticized Orchard's ball as being "nearly flat anyway." Orchard is expected to respond in kind.

Toronto (CP)
Moody's international bond rating service, on news that Hollinger Inc. may be forced to default on some of it's outstanding debt, today downgraded the status of Hollinger bonds to "String Conrad Black up by his balls."

The unprecedented move was hailed by critics of Black who insist that he has been thumbing his nose at investors and shareholders of his vast Hollinger empire for far too long.

Earlier in the day, TD Capital had downgraded the status of Hollinger bonds to "Junk" clearing the way for Moody's to take a much stronger stance.

"My Mother owns Hollinger stock," one Moody's bond analyst was quoted as saying. "What's he going to do? Give her a dozen pages of FDR's diaries?"

The Canadian Securities and Exchange commission was reportedly still debating the legality of Moody's reccomendations. It is expected to report early tomorrow.