Calgary (LHJ)
Stephen Harper appeared in Calgary today at a meeting of the Chamber of Commerce, with a red necktie instead of his usual blue, according to an extensive report in the Calgary Herald.

The Herald featured a two page spread deconstructing the Conservative Party leadership hopeful's wardrobe, commenting on among other things his "masculine accessory choices, including a large metallic wristwatch, and lack of suit pocket 'puff'."

The featured report came close on the heels of the Herald's widely criticized report of leadership hopful Belinda Stronach's first day on the campaign trail, which included information about her lack of jewelry, and two recent divorces. Gender-in-the-media experts were incensed by the report, causing the Herald to take the unusual step on reporting on Harper's appearance.

Calgary Sun CEO Guy Huntingford dismissed the report because "it's a faggot paper that nobody reads anyway."

Toronto (LHJ)
On the heels of the shocking revelations of the probe into Toronto's corrupt Police Drug Squad, Chief Julian Fantino today announced that he was receiving calls of support from all across North America.

"I have had some wonderful conversations with some truly supportive people," said the Chief in a press conference this morning. "I had a great talk with former Washington Mayor Marion Berry, Former Enron head Kenneth Lay, and even OJ Simpson called to offer his support at this difficult time."

While critics of the police force say that the list of supporters only further undermines the force's credibility, Fantino was dismissive of their criticisms. "I think that people all across North America notice when a city like Toronto puts together a truly outstanding police force, and when we have trouble, the community comes together."

The investigation continues.

Saskatoon (LHJ)
Former Saskatchewan Premier Grant Devine announced today that he would be re-entering politics, and that none other than Hollywood drag queen Divine would be his campaign manager.

"Isn't it time for Divine and Divine?" asked Divine at the press conference to announce the move. "Grant will be running in the ever so darling riding of Souris-Moose Mountain. Isn't that a scream?" S/He continued. "Both Grant and I think it's time that somebody gave those naughty liberals a run for their money!"

While supporters questioned the use of a flamboyantly gay man as a campaign spokersperson, the former Premier said it was a logical fit. "Besides, anything to try and inject any kind of progressiveness into this party is a good thing."

Devine is scheduled to run for the nomination in February.

Washington (LHJ)
President George W. Bush today announced sweeping changes to America's space exploration goals, and plans to put a permanent base on the moon, and visit Mars in the next fifteen years.

The news was received with mixed reactions at home, with many people feeling that more attention should be paid to propping up an ailing medicare system, and improving K-12 Education.

However in a bizarre twist, President Bush addressed some of his speech specifically to captured Iraqi dictator Sadaam Hussein.

"I want to make this clear, Sadaam." said the president during his speech. "While you are being held in custody, Americans will be aggressively exploring Uranus."

Pundits were at a loss to explain the offhanded remark, other than to note that any trip to our Solar System's second most distant planet would take dacades, thus indicating that Hussein would be in captivity for some time.

Calgary (LHJ)
Prominent Calgary lawyer Jim Prentice bowed out of the race for leader of the Conservative Party today, citing a lack of the funds needed to mount an effective campaign.

Prentice said at a news conference, "I was relying on a major donor, and that donor has retracted their support for reasons unique to them. As a result I will not be continuing with my campaign."

Suspiciously, Prentice's withdrawl from the race comes two days after the largest bust in Canadian history of an indoor Marijuana grow operation. Police seized over 30,000 plants, with an estimated street value of more than $130,000,000.

The link was clear to NDP spokesperson Ras Tafari. "It's pretty obvious to me which source of funding suddenly dried up. Besides, Prentice must have seen smoking something serious if he thought he had any chance of beating Harper."

In other news, Harper is set to enter the race for leader tomorrow, but already boasts a commanding lead, especially among the crucial "Pick up truck driving, tobacco chewing" demographic group.

Santa Barbara (LHJ)
Singer Michael Jackson today surrendered his passport to US authorities as a condition of his bail, but claimed the move was not significant because the picture "doesn't look anything like me."

When Jackson was questioned by reporters outside of the Santa Barbara courthouse where he turned the passport in, he reportedly replied, "It's not like they can tell it's me from the picture anyway. I mean the face in that picture isn't even human, it's some kind of wierd doll or an insect or something. I don't even know where they got it from."

Reporters were shocked, and when Santa Barbara chronicle reporter Dwight Brown called back that the picture was indeed representative of Jacksons bizarre lack of nose or facial hair, he responded "La La La La I can't hear you...I'm not listening."

Jackson then returned to his Neverland ranch outside of Santa Barbara, where he would be reportedly be hosting the 102nd Santa Barbara Cub Scout troup for a weekend of "yummy smores and roasted weenies."

Houston (LHJ)
Nasa today released startling images from the Mars rover Spirit today, which showed the location of the Conservative Party of Canada's chances of winning the next federal election.

Critics of the party had previously labelled the chances as "distant at best." But in the words of one Liberal backbencher "Today we see how astronomically distant those chances really are."

Previously the party's chances were thought to have been glimpsed by the Voyager space craft as it passed through the edge of the solar system into interstellar space. This was later discovered to be Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty's credibility, which he lost shortly after winning the provincial election last year.

Nasa scientists say they will keep tabs on the Conservative Party's chances, but still insist that there is no sign of life on Mars.

Ottawa (LHJ)
Assistant Deputy Minister of Consumer and Corporate Affairs, Michael McCabe announced today that the government would be banning self explanatory instructions on items such as packages of gum and shampoo.

"While we recognize that some of these items, such as shampoo and chewing gum may be unfamiliar to some people, such as new Canadians, we still think people can pretty much figure it out." said McCabe in a press conference today. "I mean look at gum. Take the piece, put it in your mouth. Chew. When the flavour runs out, repeat. We're not talking brain surgery here."

The Government's move came after a startling rise in the number of instructions being printed on packages such as shampoo, writing implements such as pencils, and packages of ketchup. "For the love of God," McCabe continued. "Who doesn't know how to tear open a ketchup package?"

The move was praised by retail analysts and corporate affairs journalists, who pledged to write extensively about the new regulation "as soon as we can find the instructions for turning our computers on."

Toronto (LHJ)
In a bold move to stem Toronto's endemic jaywalking problem, Queen's Park announced today that it would soon be allowing drivers to clear demerit points from their driver's licences by "mowing down those idiots like the mangy dogs they are."

Under the proposal, any person with demerit points on their license from either speeding, or other traffic infractions, would be able to reduce those points by striking, and either killing, or hospitalizing people who crossed against the light, crossed anywhere other than a crosswalk, or just generally stepped out in front of moving traffic in the middle of the street.

Toronto City Police had attempted several programs to reduce the number of jaywalkers, after a record 32 pedestrians died in 2003 in pedestrian-vehicle accidents. Police had begun advertising campaigns, and had recently resorted to ticketing jaywalkers, but to no avail. Police Chief Julian Fantino announced today that Toronto Police would be "going with the flow. I mean, if these people want to die that badly, who are we to stop them?"

Criticism was harsh for the McGuinty government's proposal, with some claiming that drivers would be encouraged to speed, knowing that speeding tickets could be "paid off" under the new Jaywalker targeting program. "I don't have a problem with smacking the odd jaywalker," said Insurance Board of Ontario spokesperson Mack Bolan. "As long as people don't think they can get away with speeding or drunk driving now."

Despite the criticism, the plan to double the point redemption for jaywalkers carrying Starbucks cups, was widely praised.