Dora The Explorer
So, Sam is totally addicted to Dora. Not just a casual "I only watch Dora on the weekends, or when I'm drinking" kind of addiction, but a full on, slinking through the alley "Yo, B, can you score me a nickel bag of Swiper. What man? All you got is VHS? Yo, that's whack!"

In the last few months, I have discovered what it is about Dora that I really dislike. Not her "fingernails on chalkboard" voice, or the fact that she teaches kids that every time they accomplish something, they have every right to expect a musical fanfare. It's the fact that Dora teaches kids that even in moments of extreme crisis and emergency, that they have unlimited time to deliberate their options, and make a decision.

"They're just kids", I hear you say.
Well, sometimes that's when it's most important to think fast.

'Backpack, backpack, backpack backpack, anything you want or need, I've got inside for you...backpack backpack...yayyyyy!
Hola! I'm Backpack! Johnny is about to get his ass kicked by a 12 year old in Grade 3. Let's look inside Backpack and see what can help Johnny keep from getting his ass kicked.
Will his Go! Diego, Go! pencil case keep him from getting his ass kicked? (Long pause)...NOoooooo.
Will his Spongebob Squarepants lunchbox keep him from getting his ass kicked? (Longer pause) Nooooo...
Will his ... Oh! Too late! Johnny's getting his ass kicked! Ooh! Ow! Oh my! Yikes! Ouch! Oooohhh, that's gonna leave a mark! Oh well, better luck next time! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum...delicioso!"

See?