Montreal (LHJ)
In an application to the Gomery inquiry yesterday, Jean Chretien's lawyers requested that Chretien be exonorated by the report and his "extraordinay reputation" be protected.

In seperate applications, lawyers also filed a request with Pope Benedict XVI that Chretien be considered for Beatification, a request with the Mayo clinic that he be granted superhuman strength through the installation of an "adamantine skeleton" and a request with Industrial Light and Magic film studios that Chretien be offered a starring role in any potential upcoming Star Wars movies or television series.

While only Gomery and Lucas are reported to be taking the requests seriously, Chretien was immediately rebuffed by the Mayo clinic as being "too frail and elderly to survive such an invasive surgery" and by the Vatican as being "a lying, cheating, sub-human slug."

If the Vatican's allegations are to be believed, Chretien's reputation is indeed "extraordinary", but perhaps not in the way his lawyers intended.

George Lucas, director of ILM studios is reportedly considering using Chretien to replace Ian McDiamid as Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious, saying that Chretien would be easy to cast as he would "not require the hours of tortuous make up Ian did, in order to fit into the role."

Negotiations with Gomery are ongoing.