Ottawa (LHJ)
Assistant Deputy Minister of Consumer and Corporate Affairs, Michael McCabe announced today that the government would be banning self explanatory instructions on items such as packages of gum and shampoo.

"While we recognize that some of these items, such as shampoo and chewing gum may be unfamiliar to some people, such as new Canadians, we still think people can pretty much figure it out." said McCabe in a press conference today. "I mean look at gum. Take the piece, put it in your mouth. Chew. When the flavour runs out, repeat. We're not talking brain surgery here."

The Government's move came after a startling rise in the number of instructions being printed on packages such as shampoo, writing implements such as pencils, and packages of ketchup. "For the love of God," McCabe continued. "Who doesn't know how to tear open a ketchup package?"

The move was praised by retail analysts and corporate affairs journalists, who pledged to write extensively about the new regulation "as soon as we can find the instructions for turning our computers on."