Toronto (LHJ)
In a bold move to stem Toronto's endemic jaywalking problem, Queen's Park announced today that it would soon be allowing drivers to clear demerit points from their driver's licences by "mowing down those idiots like the mangy dogs they are."

Under the proposal, any person with demerit points on their license from either speeding, or other traffic infractions, would be able to reduce those points by striking, and either killing, or hospitalizing people who crossed against the light, crossed anywhere other than a crosswalk, or just generally stepped out in front of moving traffic in the middle of the street.

Toronto City Police had attempted several programs to reduce the number of jaywalkers, after a record 32 pedestrians died in 2003 in pedestrian-vehicle accidents. Police had begun advertising campaigns, and had recently resorted to ticketing jaywalkers, but to no avail. Police Chief Julian Fantino announced today that Toronto Police would be "going with the flow. I mean, if these people want to die that badly, who are we to stop them?"

Criticism was harsh for the McGuinty government's proposal, with some claiming that drivers would be encouraged to speed, knowing that speeding tickets could be "paid off" under the new Jaywalker targeting program. "I don't have a problem with smacking the odd jaywalker," said Insurance Board of Ontario spokesperson Mack Bolan. "As long as people don't think they can get away with speeding or drunk driving now."

Despite the criticism, the plan to double the point redemption for jaywalkers carrying Starbucks cups, was widely praised.